I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize