im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
