I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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