I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
