when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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