I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
