Pants 0. Shit 1.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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