What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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