I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
