I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
