we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
