Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
