I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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