Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
