listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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