I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
