You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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