He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
