After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
