Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
