I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
