I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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