what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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