as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
