Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize