Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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