More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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