I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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