He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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