Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
