i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
