I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
