I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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