i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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