The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
