in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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