i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
