I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My ass is underappreciated
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
