He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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