i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
