after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
