The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize