she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
