I met the friendliest cop last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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