U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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