It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
