If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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