Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
