I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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