i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
