I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
