My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's just like the Real World with babies
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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