I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize