Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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