my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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