I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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