I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
