tonight lets celebrate not being married
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
