So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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