I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
