How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
