My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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